Triggers

Sometimes you can see a trigger miles away, sometimes you know certain things are triggers but you just can't stay away. And sometimes you are just doing your thang, getting caught up in the moment and are overflowing with so much energy that the trigger can trick you. You don't see it coming but once you've settled down, had sum sleep or can finally put your feet up again it's like WHAM!! The mothafucka hits you in da face. Fucks with ya head and emotions are overflowing. You start crying as you watch the news (??),cry in the shower and tremble like you've been struck by lightning. Your mind start racing again... Dark clouds are coming and they circle above your head before the enter your brain. It's like mist but a dark one, you feel like your in an episode of 'the twilight zone' or that you are a character in a stephen king novel.
You try to shake it off, clear your head by going for a walk but you can't seem to shake it. You enter the Etos and all you can think about is hurt/pain/blood/emotions and what ifs. You walk towards the shaving section and instead of shavingcream or shavingoil you look at the blades and wonder how sharp they are. You wonder if you have to cut just once to bleed or maybe several times. You know you hate cutting several times cuz of the scars so one cut is always better.
Just one cut to unleash the dragon.
Just one cut to open up.
Just one cut to know that you are alive.
Just one cut to know that you are human and have feelings and are not a robot.
Just one cut to make you feel better.

But it's never one cut and you know it. And you will regret the scars later on.
YOu try to call your mum but she doesn't answer her phone. You remember she is away for a 3 day congres of Jehova's Whitnesses. You try to breath, pay for your stuff and walk out of the store only to find out outside that you didn't buy the blades. You text your best friends and your cousin... They try to sooth you, it doesn't work that well but it helps a bit. You look into your bag again and see that you bought sum bandaids, just in case. You feel like a failure, you cry, you wanna go back and get the blades 2 but the dog is pulling and wants to go for a run.

Fighting back the tears, salted by the wounds on my soul. I tell myself I can make it home and I did. But the walk home hasn't been that long in months!! Seeking for alternatives I start blowing bubbles and writing. Typing on my keyboard like a maniak but it does seem to calm me down. It witholds me from hanging out of the window and screaming my head off! It keeps me from being stupid and doing stupid things. Why do I feel like this again? I had so much superfuntime with my girl. I spent the night with my best friend, we are friends for 20 years now, and still this 'episode' hits me. What's wrong with me? Well, I know what's wrong with me, I've got BPD. But does the BPD got me?
No, I don't want it to.
No more controlling my life.
No more crazy outbursts.
No more blackouts.
No more hurting people.
No more hurting myself.
No more
No more
No more.

I'm gonna fight this thing even if it's the last thing I'll ever do.
I just wish people would try to understand us better, and give us a change to make up for the wrongs we have done. Cuz we can't always control it. But we can try, we sure as hell can try...

I just want it.. no more...