Life without Prozac.

It has taken me about 7 months but since a week I stopped taking this drug called Prozac. It did help me in the beginning, I was less depressed, didn't cut myself up anymore when I felt pressure and I didn't think things thru so much.
On the other hand it made me reeeeeeeeeeeal lame, sleepy, droopy, non-energetic, withdrawn, and non-sexual. It was the strangest fase in my life. I could feel the change the drugs made, I could feel myself transform into something I wasn't not. I lost my lust for life, my personality, my vivrantness. I lost interest in eating, hobbies, sex (hahaha) and developing myself. I had a hard time picking myself up whén I was down, if I ever was down again. Cuz I actually didn't feel all that much anymore. I was flatlining emotionally and wasn't able to turn it around.
But I dealt with it, cuz it was part of the program. Part of the healingplan, it was one of those things I had to do to get any better and move on with my life.

Just a week ago I stopped taking Prozac after my dosis was cut back and I'm loving it. I feel alive again!! No more sleepless nights, no more flatness in my feelings, no more disinterest in life. It's the return of the MACK! I have learned to no longer cross my lines and now I can do without the drugs to control my life again. It feels so good. So damn good, I can't begin to write it down. It gives me a sense of pride, feeling strong again. One can only hope that others might experience this sensation as well. Can take controle back and feel good again. Cuz feeling good really feels good!! And who knows, I might even wanna have sex again hahahaha...

Doing what you love.

I've found out that even tho this B'line bullshit smacks you upside the head with sum serious 'down and out' periods, it's important to hang on to the things you love. Even tho your head is filled with dark thoughts and clouds seem to be covering your eyes and your soul. It's still good for yaself to keep doing at least óne thing you love to do. One thing that makes you feel good, pretty, healthy, sexy, valid, whateva.I have neglected to do the things I really love in my times of darkness and it has only made my dark days darker.

Yesterday my cousin came and picked me up to hit the gym. I haven't been there for a while but it really did me good. Early in the morning is best for me since it's empty and I don't have the feeling that everybody who looks at me can see that I have BPD. Cuz sumtimes it does feel like that, that all eyes can see.
But my cousin had my back as always and after one hour we were so much in the zone we totally forgot about time. You need things and peeps like that. The ones who can pick you up and get you out of your house. The ones who can convince you to keep doing those things that make you feel good. Who support you and tell you you still good at it even if you suck ;-) It made me feel so good I am actually thinking of picking up dancing again. At least it got me writing again. Not just in my secret diary but for the rest of the world to see as well.

I do realise this struggle with BPD isn't over yet and I might never recover from it. But the help and love of my fam and friends is making me stronger and gets me through those 'mental tsunamies' over and over again. As long as you feel and know peeps got your back you can do anything in life, ANYTHING!!

I'll make it, it might take sum time but I can make it out of this.

Ik wil weer werken.

Ik wil weer verder gaan met mijn leven. Zit nu al 2 jaar en 1 maand thuis en ben t alweer goed zat met al die beperkingen die het met zich meebrengt. Miss een paar dagen per week receptie bij de sportschool doen ofzo, of receptie bij t zwembad verderop... IETS!! Of op een evenementenbureau werken. Lijkt me leuker maja... Er zit een gigantisch gat in mijn CV op dit moment en om weer als tiepmiep/officemanager aan de slag te gaan zie ik niet helemaal zo erg zitten. Of t moet bij een klein, creatief bedrijf zijn. Met die multinationals heb ik t nu wel n beetje gehad. Graag zie ik resultaat van mijn geleverde werk, wil niet langer een nummertje of radartje in t grote geheel zijn. Don't get me wrong, ik heb veel geleerd bij Newsweek International, Philips, Nike, UPC, KPMG, Ubachs & Wisbrun etc etc maar ik ga toch liever voor n kleiner bedrijf.

Naja eerst maar douchen want na maanden slacken vandaag hard gebeuld in de gym. Van mij mag dat ding wel om 7 uur open gaan voortaan. Heb gemerkt hoe ik het gemist heb, lekker beulen en in de ijzers hangen. Gelukkig kwam mijn neef me halen dat scheelt wel om samen te trainen, lekker, fijn, fit gevoel en liefde... Heel veel liefde voor mijn neven!

Caraibisch blockparty in AmsterdamOud-West

UITNODIGING

Caribisch buurtfeest Amsterdam Oud-West

In en rond Restaurant Planet Rose
Nicolaas Beetsstraat 47 – Amsterdam – Tel: 020- 6129838
www.planetrose.info

Buurtbewoners, ondernemers en bezoekers van het Jamaicaanse restaurant Planet Rose (met een 9+ van Johannes van Dam) organiseren samen met Rozelle Uter (kokkin en eigenaresse Planet Rose) tegen de achtergrond van de Jamaicaanse onafhankelijkheid van 3 tot en met 8 augustus as. het multiculturele buurtfeest ‘Culturen proeven in Oud-West’. De activiteiten zijn speciaal georganiseerd voor jong en oud uit stadsdeel Oud-West en hebben tot doel bovengenoemde groepen en andere geïnteresseerden kennis te laten maken met elkaar en de Caribische/ Jamaicaanse cultuur. Jamaica werd op 6 augustus 1962 onafhankelijk van Engeland.

Programma
3 augustus
19.00 uur Sfeervolle Caribische Kookdemonstratie met hapjes en advies deskundige om eventueel zelf horecabedrijf op te zetten.
Gratis toegang
Er hoeft alleen betaald te worden voor drankjes. (Vol is vol!)

6 augustus
19.00 uur Caribische filmavond met heerlijk Jamaicaans/West-Indisch eten
Toegang: € 25, - (Vol is vol!)
8 augustus
1300 – 15.00 uur Anansi Kinderfestijn voor kinderen van 4 tot en met 6 jaar (met haren vlechten, schminken, voorlezen, speurtocht….)
14.00 -16.00 uur Anansi Kinderfestijn voor kinderen van 7 t/m 11 jaar (met film, spannende speurtocht….)
18.00 -20.00 uur Caribische barbecue
vanaf 21.30 uur Onafhankelijkheids Reggeaparty met authentieke Jamaicaanse muziek
(optreden van internationaal percussionist Tony Uter
Gratis toegang
Aantal Caribische snacks vrij verkrijgbaar, voor andere maaltijden en drankjes worden redelijke prijzen gevraagd)
Meer info Anansifestijn: www.hetallerleukstefeest.nl/nieuws.html (schrijf je in voor dit unieke kinderfeest)


Voor alle onderdelen geldt dat u zich kunt aanmelden. U kunt dit doen door een e-mail te sturen naar mail@planetrose.info. Vermeld uw naam en telefoonnummer en het onderdeel dat u wilt bijwonen. Voor de Caribische filmavond met eten dient u een toegangskaart te kopen of te reserveren.

Het buurtfeest is (financieel) mogelijk gemaakt door Stadsdeel Oud-West, Stichting Dock, Planet Rose en Het Allerleukste Feest

Reserveren voor de kookdemonstratie en de filmavond wordt zeker aangeraden.

Een ieder is van harte welkom!
Hopelijk tot dan!

Mx & Helen.

Triggers

Sometimes you can see a trigger miles away, sometimes you know certain things are triggers but you just can't stay away. And sometimes you are just doing your thang, getting caught up in the moment and are overflowing with so much energy that the trigger can trick you. You don't see it coming but once you've settled down, had sum sleep or can finally put your feet up again it's like WHAM!! The mothafucka hits you in da face. Fucks with ya head and emotions are overflowing. You start crying as you watch the news (??),cry in the shower and tremble like you've been struck by lightning. Your mind start racing again... Dark clouds are coming and they circle above your head before the enter your brain. It's like mist but a dark one, you feel like your in an episode of 'the twilight zone' or that you are a character in a stephen king novel.
You try to shake it off, clear your head by going for a walk but you can't seem to shake it. You enter the Etos and all you can think about is hurt/pain/blood/emotions and what ifs. You walk towards the shaving section and instead of shavingcream or shavingoil you look at the blades and wonder how sharp they are. You wonder if you have to cut just once to bleed or maybe several times. You know you hate cutting several times cuz of the scars so one cut is always better.
Just one cut to unleash the dragon.
Just one cut to open up.
Just one cut to know that you are alive.
Just one cut to know that you are human and have feelings and are not a robot.
Just one cut to make you feel better.

But it's never one cut and you know it. And you will regret the scars later on.
YOu try to call your mum but she doesn't answer her phone. You remember she is away for a 3 day congres of Jehova's Whitnesses. You try to breath, pay for your stuff and walk out of the store only to find out outside that you didn't buy the blades. You text your best friends and your cousin... They try to sooth you, it doesn't work that well but it helps a bit. You look into your bag again and see that you bought sum bandaids, just in case. You feel like a failure, you cry, you wanna go back and get the blades 2 but the dog is pulling and wants to go for a run.

Fighting back the tears, salted by the wounds on my soul. I tell myself I can make it home and I did. But the walk home hasn't been that long in months!! Seeking for alternatives I start blowing bubbles and writing. Typing on my keyboard like a maniak but it does seem to calm me down. It witholds me from hanging out of the window and screaming my head off! It keeps me from being stupid and doing stupid things. Why do I feel like this again? I had so much superfuntime with my girl. I spent the night with my best friend, we are friends for 20 years now, and still this 'episode' hits me. What's wrong with me? Well, I know what's wrong with me, I've got BPD. But does the BPD got me?
No, I don't want it to.
No more controlling my life.
No more crazy outbursts.
No more blackouts.
No more hurting people.
No more hurting myself.
No more
No more
No more.

I'm gonna fight this thing even if it's the last thing I'll ever do.
I just wish people would try to understand us better, and give us a change to make up for the wrongs we have done. Cuz we can't always control it. But we can try, we sure as hell can try...

I just want it.. no more...

Raw Rythem Festival

Raw Rythem Festivalvandaag, 10:44
Ik kan er heel veel over zeggen wat er allemaal niet klopte en waarom, maar eigenlijk wil ik niet meer kwijt dan dat als je na 7 jaar de opvolger van Drum Rythem weer opzet je op zijn minst moet regelen dat ál je coördinatoren ervaring hebben met hun afdeling en genoeg betaald krijgen om hun best te doen. En niet pas 2 weken van tevoren mensen gaan ronselen als 'vrijwilliger' om te coördineren die nog minder weten ervan dan de 'vrijwilligsters' die kassa zitten zelf. Sjeez louise!! Khad écht een Melkweg flashback toen die dame in kwestie bij élke vraag van ons 't even moest gaan vragen aan de manager' en daardoor een half uur tot n uur wegbleef.

m.a.w. Mxxie gaat vandaag helemaal niet meer daar werken aangezien ik gisteren van 5 tot half 5 noeste arbeid heb verricht wat niét de bedoeling was! Ik heb zwart licht/fakkelbrigade/lady saw en wel meer gemist daardoor. En ga écht niet meer voor nix werken. Fuck that!! Hopelijk kan ik vandaag n paar leuke shows meepakken...
Oh en natuurlijk heb ik zelf geen muntje voor de wc's daar strax hahaha. Shit!!

Maja, Ryan Leslie was niet slecht en Legalize It waren erg gezellig aan t draaien nog. Lamb vonnik om te janken maaaaaaaaaaayne. Ik werd echt droevig van hun deuntjes, serieus! Wix draaide ook wel leuk. Dit alles hebben we meegekregen omdat we pal achter een ingang daar zaten (en wegtrilden ook maar dat terzijde). En ik heb me de tering gelachen in dat hokje met me beste vriendinnetje. Hoe later t werd hoe belachelijker mensen gingen doen en hoe meer ze wilden sjoemelen om muntjes. Schitterend gewoon. We konden meteen ons 20 jaar samenzijn vieren 's nachts dus dat was wel leuk. Het was duidelijk dat we goed op elkaar ingezpeeld zijn door de jaren heen want we gaven antwoord voor elkaar, of tegelijkertijd alsof we tweelingen zijn (zijn we ook maar dan van sterrebeeld)
In t andere 'hokje der ongein' zaten de supersisters en ook die hadden meer pret dan je zou denken. Great minds think alike I guess. Tis dat Sil en Nance te ver van ons afzaten anders hadden we ze vast kunnen horen schaterlachen hahaha

Oh well, we had fun and that counts for sumtin' as well right? Vandaag maar lekker slenteren en boys pesten... Hoera!

Afz:
De SuperKassaDames (van ons alle vier dus)

I'm good without you

Last night he made it so clear. He's just not that into me, he is just trying to play me. But I don't get played babyboy, I don't, I won't. This ain't over yet, the tables just got turned. Hold on to your seatbelt baby cuz you is in for a ride!! I know, at the moment I'm frustrated and would really like to tear his ass apart (and not in a sexual way) but I've learned to keep my cool. E'rybody gets played once in their life and I guess my number was up! It took me about 4 years to open up again and allow myself to fall in love. He just crushed all of that in about 20 minutes hahaha. Now that's a record. But I've decided instead of being bitter about it (and mess up my great complexion), I'm gonna turn the energy of pain into energy of strenght. Actually I just wanted to get even with his mofoking ass last night but after a good night sleep I'm just gonna turn dem tables like a turntablist and play his ass for a while. He might not see it coming but I will hit him like a ton of bricks *GnaGnaGna*

Nah, I won't and I know that. But I will make him suffer and regret he ever tried to play me. Cuz Mxstr doesn't get played, she plays, she is DA MASTER!! But on the other hand, I just might give him a second change cuz he does make me feel really good about myself when I'm with him. So I just might enjoy it for the time being and just throw away the key to my heart again.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=76AE1EXhozY

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w19e7xc79Sw