Keep it In The Closet?

While I was listening to this MJ track and feeling this intense sadness over his dead I suddenly realised 'Love'... Love I have for a certain person, love that is stronger, more serious and deeper than I thought. Love that needed to be admitted but how? I dunno. It scares me, don't really like being so vulnarable ya know.

'There is something about you baby, that makes me want... To Keep it in the closet'

Maybe I should make a list and write down the pros and the cons. I can think of about a hundred cons right now but there is just one pro about him that could sweep away all those cons. Friends have been asking me for a while if I'm 'in love' with him and I can honestly say that I'm not, neva was either. I don't fall in love so easily. The last guy that stole my heart, swept me off my feet and made me giggle like a schoolgirl was J. And that was in January 2005 when I met him in the Bitterzoet. Go figure!!

But this guy, there is something about him that makes me feel save, secure, like a little girl and a educated woman, a sexy lady and a friend all in one. Wonder how he does that hahaha. Or is it just cuz I'm weak at this moment in life? I'm working on it, the weakness. I have my grouptherapy every week 2,5 hours and I see my shrink every 2 weeks for an hour. I know I'm getting better, I'm doing better. I can take on life just a little bit more so why all of the sudden this feeling? I don't get it. I'm used to being alone, working alone, dancing alone, eating alone, hell I was born alone. Maybe I am getting older and maybe I just don't want to carry the weight anymore. It's all so confusing now. I don't think it's fair for me to have a relationship now because of my Borderline. I don't wanna freak out on him every now and then. He deserves better than that. Cuz I realise I'm not easy with this deseazy!! ;-)

There's just one thing I know for sure, I won't tell him. We've been friends for years now and I cherish that. I'll just cherish this feeling for now. The warmth I feel when I see him, the smile he puts on my face when we text eachother. The drinks we have every now and then. I don't need to ruin this for the both of us. 'I hate to see him leave but love to see him walk away'... Let's just keep it at that. ;-)

For all you B'liners out there. It will get better once you've reached out for help. Trust me.

I don't wanna let it get me down.

Another day, another struggle. Since I've been diagnosed with the BPD I haven't been working. I finally found a good place in myself so I won't get offended anymore when peeps ask me why I don't work. I am no longer ashamed to tell peeps why I can't join them for a holiday, party or even going out to dinner. I am blessed to have been raised by a mother and grandmother who both have known what it was like to be poor. Hell, they weren't even poor, they were po... Couldn't even afford the OR hahaha.
They both tought me how to make a meal with just an union, egg, and sum rice. I can make food from nothing and peeps wouldn't even notice it. They educated me in how to care for myself, mend my clothes and save money in the little things. How to grow my own herbs and veggies, fix my own bike and drill my own holes.

So when the UWV is bugging me again by cutting of my money it hurts, it really hurts. Cause I've been working since I was 17 and always paid my own way and now that I need the goverments help the let me down, over and over again.
It's easy for me to throw a fit, go into that dark place inside of me again and start punishing myself for things I don't control or understand. But I don't want to go there anymore. I don't want anymore scars. I've been hurt enough, I don't wanna let it get me down and if that means I have to eat less and write more to hold on to that peacefull innerplace than by God I will.
I wanna move on with this journey called life. It's a gift I know, and I also know mine was damaged during shipment but hey, there are ways to fix things and I'm working on it.

I don't wanna let it get me down.

You cry, I cry.

One of the sings of B'line is that the person can be oversensitive. So am I. Just 10 minutes ago I was on my way to the Albert Heijn and I passed a young man, sitting on the street, barefoot with a bagpack and 2 dogs. He had a fluit in his hands and he was crying. Crying silently, wiping his face with his sleeve and not able to play his fluit anymore cuz he was so upset. As I passed him I could feel his pain. He was hurting só bad, it felt like he was dissapointed in life, in himself and that all he wanted was a place to sleep, to rest and to shower.
I moved on with a throbbing heart and as I got out of the supermarket he was still sitting there and crying. Eyes glazing and his chest pounding. I couldn't pass on without addressing him and I asked him if he was okay. More tears came so I asked him how and if I could help him. I was searching my pockets for sum change (although I only had 5 euro's left till next week) and just as I found him 1 euro a lady passed by, opened her wallet and gave him 10 euro's!! I looked up and sighed: finally some one else who cared. But he kept on crying and the lady and I tried to ask him what was wrong but he didn't understand us. Neither English or Dutch! And most def not Turkish, believe me I tried.

I kneeled down next to him and put my hand on his shoulder, offering him my beer but he refused. I really wanted to give him te biggest hug he ever had. Hell! I wanted to take him home and let him stay at my place, shower, feed him and what not. No soul deserves to life like this. As I tried asking him again if he wanted to come with me for food and a shower he said 'Thank you no' and more tears came. That's when me and the lady broke. We both started tearing up as well and as she walked away I was almost ready to sit down beside the crying guy and hug him. But then I realised I had to get home, iron my dresses and get ready for my kid brothers wedding tomorrow. But if I could, I would have taken this wounded soul home and fed him and washed him and given him sum rest and peace. Even if it's only for a couple of hours.

I cried because he cried...

Long sleeves

My baby brother his weddingday is coming up. This Friday my kidbrother will say 'I do' to the girl he has been with for over a year and I am really excited. Most peeps will say he is 2 young but he turned 21 and he is a Jehova's Whitness so I don't see any problem there.
And alltho I'm very excited that my little boy is getting married, the boy who's diapers I'd used to change, the boy who's nose I'd used to whipe, there is one thing really bothering me...
I need to wear something with long sleeves to the wedding. Not cuz I really want to but cuz I really have to. It's his day and I don't want peeps to come up to me and ask me about my scars. I know those scars belong to me, with me but on that day it will make it all so hard to explain. People will never understand why you have them, how you got them or why you would do that to yourself. They look at you like you are a freak, call you pscycho or will just plain ignore you when they see the scars. Very few will bother to ask you why, how, when, or can I help. And that is such a sad thing. Even counsolers don't understand why you do it and since it's mostly done by women they see it as sumthing to be ignored or punished. Which is nót the right way to go about it.
Momentarely the Haarlem Pscychiatric Museum has an expo about it and I really want to go and see it. It has been something that has been denied in the mental illness department for so long but it is real, it is there and it hurts.
Women have always been tought througout centuries to deal with their feelings or hurt or issues on the inside, while men have been tought to let it all out by fighting (violence). That's why most of us women turn to hurting ourselfs or not taking good care of ourself. Always putting our loved ones first.

As a result to that I am scared on the inside and out and that makes me have to wear long sleeves on my baby brothers wedding. The day that is his to shine. I might have to wear those sleeves for years to come but at least I'm working on it, till that day comes that I can wear short sleeves again.

Love.
Mx

What it feels like to have BPD

To have BPD is most of the time way 2 hard for others to understand. Since I'm going through a fase of learning how to control it right now, emotions do overflow. Sadness, happiness, mask on, mask off, darkness, light, emptyness, fullness, binge eating or not eating at all, shouting out my lungs or remain silent for days, it's all there. All these feelings may come all at once or they change every few minutes but they can also stay away for days, not feeling anything at all which is scary 2. It's like being on a (emotional)rollercoaster for days, months, years of your life instead of minutes. A lot of peeps ask me to explain it but I can't. It's so hard to try to explain cuz when I do I'm seemingly calm and that makes it that they don't believe me or think it's not as bad. Cuz one moment I can be laughing and seem to be happy and a second later I can be cryinig and sad. It's hard to explain that you wear a mask most of the time. Your life is being controlled by 'make believe', trying nót to let the world know how you really feel. Cuz you know they don't understand. Or you might loose friends when you tell them what you do when it's dark inside, when you need to release the pressure. I know sum people really want to know and understand but most of them just tell you to stop acting up, stop drawing attention to yourself and just get on with your life. I wish it was so. I wish it was so easy!! It's not like going to the loo and flushing your shit away... If only I could... When you have to deal with BPD, it's like your life is a puzzle that contains over a 1000 pieces and you spend your entire life putting it together. It always feels like there a pieces missing and they change shape as well. They constantly trick you so the puzzle never really finishes. I can't really explain but for those who are willing to try and understand. It drives you crazy.. it leaves scares that never go away. On the inside and the outside. It isolates you and makes you loose lovedones cuz they don't understand or don't want to deal with you and your issues. It keeps you single cuz you don't want to burden anyone else with your drama despite the fact that you know it's so much harder to deal with on your own. Never knowing how I will feel the next minute, hurting the ones I love and feeling misunderstood. Wanting to love someone again but knowing you never can cuz of this. Wanting to have a family someday but being scared as hell of ever hurting your offspring. It's really hard to make others understand. But I'm gratefull for those in my life who at least try. Who want to know more about it and who value me as a person, and a friend despite my BPD. Maybe these footages will help. http://borderline.hebik.nl/ http://www.bpdworld.org/
This song by Linkin Park-Crawling has great lyrics to explain the feeling a bit. Unfortunately the video is no longer available to embedd due to copyright. Chorus: Crawling in my skin These wounds, they will not heal Fear is how I fall Confusing what is real There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface Consuming, confusing This lack of self control I fear is never ending Controlling, I can't seem To find myself again My walls are closing in (Without a sense of confidence I�m convinced that there�s just too much pressure to take) I've felt this way before So insecure Chorus Crawling in my skin These wounds, they will not heal Fear is how I fall Confusing what is real Discomfort, endlessly has pulled itself upon me Distracting, reacting Against my will I stand beside my own reflection It's haunting how I can't seem... To find myself again My walls are closing in (Without a sense of confidence I�m convinced that there�s just too much pressure to take) I've felt this way before So insecure Chorus (Repeat until end) Crawling in my skin These wounds, they will not heal Fear is how I fall Confusing what is real There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface Consuming, confusing This lack of self control I fear is never ending Controlling (Whispered during chorus)

The Lover in You and Me

Love hurts, it shouldn't have to but we all know it does sometimes. You fall in love with the wrong person. Not that he or she is bad but just not right for you. You see friends date, fall in love, get into a relationship, get engaged and married, get to live together and have babies. But you don't mind, you feel happy for them cuz you love them. What really hurts is when you see someone you love get hurt. By an unanswered love, by getting cheated on, getting played or just treated badly. Sum of them can't see it for themselves, sum just don't want to see it. But I can say from the bottom of my heart it hurts me to see my boys or girls hurt. I'm sensitive like that (allthough others might disagree) and I can feel their pain. It makes me wanna go to the person that is causin the hurt and talk to them, yell at them or slap them around a bit. But I know that's no good. Neva the less, I don't like it if my peeps hurt. I don't mind my own pain and misery but my peeps, I can't stand that yo. All I can do is try to be there for them. A Shoulder to cry on, a person to sit and sigh with, a person they can cuddle up to and keep that wine or vodka coming when the need it. Listen to them, maybe advise them and most of all just love them. That's all I can do. Love them and make sure they know they are worth loving. Cuz they great people, beautiful, caring, loving and strong. Otherwise they wouldn't hang out with me right Last summer I witnessed someone I had mad feelings for get riped apart by a girl. It made me cry at night and the next day I would be there to listen to him or talk with him on msn. Now he's happy again and he neva know how I feel about him but it's all good. We all got a purpose in life and mine is to make sure my friends stay sane, healthy and happy as long as I'm around. For my boys who are confused and hurting... you know who you are but remember I you and got your backs! That's for the lover in you and me... Mxxie

Het was n goede dag vandaag

Al een hele toer achter de rug gehad voor vandaag en dat allemaal voor 2 uur vandaag. Eerst wat financiën regelen en daarna met mamalief de Maandagmarkt opgegaan en n jurk gevonden voor de bruiloft vrijdag maar ik twijfel nog of ik die zal dragen. Ik denk dat ik toch maar ga voor n creatie van Poema Jones www.poemajones.com of n So-Sally outfit. Support my girls ya know. Mijn marktuurtjes met moeders zijn me dierbaar zeker nadat die chick in t ziekenhuis terechtkwam 1,5 week geleden. Ik ben me kapot geschrokken maar ze kan er nog om lachen. Ze is in ieder geval genoeg kilo's kwijt inmiddels voor mijn broertjes bruiloft vrijdag. Yeah! Wel raar om dr nu zo te zien, zo magertjes, zo fragiel en beetje bleekjes nog. Maar hey, I still got my moms around me and that is a good thing. Gotta be real, I hate her sikkelcel yo. Stupid illness that is wearing her out!

Verder net heerlijk geslapen met me harige ventje én blij verrast met 2 boeken. Thanx Gem en Kiko!! Me veeeeeery happy ;-) Die DETOX kuur werkt als n tierelier, zelfs mama zei dat ik was afgevallen. Nog even volhouden ma tis moeilijk als je Pakistaanse onderbuurman om 11 uur in de avond begint met koken en je roti en bara's ruikt. Shitzooi!! Grrr, ik verlang ernaar om te kauwen. Dat gedieet is niets voor mij man. Nu maar eerst Da Shizzmeister uitlaten en me groenten voor vandaag wegwerken. Dan kan een mens als ik weer normaal nadenken.