What it feels like to have BPD

To have BPD is most of the time way 2 hard for others to understand. Since I'm going through a fase of learning how to control it right now, emotions do overflow. Sadness, happiness, mask on, mask off, darkness, light, emptyness, fullness, binge eating or not eating at all, shouting out my lungs or remain silent for days, it's all there. All these feelings may come all at once or they change every few minutes but they can also stay away for days, not feeling anything at all which is scary 2. It's like being on a (emotional)rollercoaster for days, months, years of your life instead of minutes. A lot of peeps ask me to explain it but I can't. It's so hard to try to explain cuz when I do I'm seemingly calm and that makes it that they don't believe me or think it's not as bad. Cuz one moment I can be laughing and seem to be happy and a second later I can be cryinig and sad. It's hard to explain that you wear a mask most of the time. Your life is being controlled by 'make believe', trying nót to let the world know how you really feel. Cuz you know they don't understand. Or you might loose friends when you tell them what you do when it's dark inside, when you need to release the pressure. I know sum people really want to know and understand but most of them just tell you to stop acting up, stop drawing attention to yourself and just get on with your life. I wish it was so. I wish it was so easy!! It's not like going to the loo and flushing your shit away... If only I could... When you have to deal with BPD, it's like your life is a puzzle that contains over a 1000 pieces and you spend your entire life putting it together. It always feels like there a pieces missing and they change shape as well. They constantly trick you so the puzzle never really finishes. I can't really explain but for those who are willing to try and understand. It drives you crazy.. it leaves scares that never go away. On the inside and the outside. It isolates you and makes you loose lovedones cuz they don't understand or don't want to deal with you and your issues. It keeps you single cuz you don't want to burden anyone else with your drama despite the fact that you know it's so much harder to deal with on your own. Never knowing how I will feel the next minute, hurting the ones I love and feeling misunderstood. Wanting to love someone again but knowing you never can cuz of this. Wanting to have a family someday but being scared as hell of ever hurting your offspring. It's really hard to make others understand. But I'm gratefull for those in my life who at least try. Who want to know more about it and who value me as a person, and a friend despite my BPD. Maybe these footages will help. http://borderline.hebik.nl/ http://www.bpdworld.org/
This song by Linkin Park-Crawling has great lyrics to explain the feeling a bit. Unfortunately the video is no longer available to embedd due to copyright. Chorus: Crawling in my skin These wounds, they will not heal Fear is how I fall Confusing what is real There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface Consuming, confusing This lack of self control I fear is never ending Controlling, I can't seem To find myself again My walls are closing in (Without a sense of confidence I�m convinced that there�s just too much pressure to take) I've felt this way before So insecure Chorus Crawling in my skin These wounds, they will not heal Fear is how I fall Confusing what is real Discomfort, endlessly has pulled itself upon me Distracting, reacting Against my will I stand beside my own reflection It's haunting how I can't seem... To find myself again My walls are closing in (Without a sense of confidence I�m convinced that there�s just too much pressure to take) I've felt this way before So insecure Chorus (Repeat until end) Crawling in my skin These wounds, they will not heal Fear is how I fall Confusing what is real There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface Consuming, confusing This lack of self control I fear is never ending Controlling (Whispered during chorus)