Keep it In The Closet?

While I was listening to this MJ track and feeling this intense sadness over his dead I suddenly realised 'Love'... Love I have for a certain person, love that is stronger, more serious and deeper than I thought. Love that needed to be admitted but how? I dunno. It scares me, don't really like being so vulnarable ya know.

'There is something about you baby, that makes me want... To Keep it in the closet'

Maybe I should make a list and write down the pros and the cons. I can think of about a hundred cons right now but there is just one pro about him that could sweep away all those cons. Friends have been asking me for a while if I'm 'in love' with him and I can honestly say that I'm not, neva was either. I don't fall in love so easily. The last guy that stole my heart, swept me off my feet and made me giggle like a schoolgirl was J. And that was in January 2005 when I met him in the Bitterzoet. Go figure!!

But this guy, there is something about him that makes me feel save, secure, like a little girl and a educated woman, a sexy lady and a friend all in one. Wonder how he does that hahaha. Or is it just cuz I'm weak at this moment in life? I'm working on it, the weakness. I have my grouptherapy every week 2,5 hours and I see my shrink every 2 weeks for an hour. I know I'm getting better, I'm doing better. I can take on life just a little bit more so why all of the sudden this feeling? I don't get it. I'm used to being alone, working alone, dancing alone, eating alone, hell I was born alone. Maybe I am getting older and maybe I just don't want to carry the weight anymore. It's all so confusing now. I don't think it's fair for me to have a relationship now because of my Borderline. I don't wanna freak out on him every now and then. He deserves better than that. Cuz I realise I'm not easy with this deseazy!! ;-)

There's just one thing I know for sure, I won't tell him. We've been friends for years now and I cherish that. I'll just cherish this feeling for now. The warmth I feel when I see him, the smile he puts on my face when we text eachother. The drinks we have every now and then. I don't need to ruin this for the both of us. 'I hate to see him leave but love to see him walk away'... Let's just keep it at that. ;-)

For all you B'liners out there. It will get better once you've reached out for help. Trust me.