It has taken me about 7 months but since a week I stopped taking this drug called Prozac. It did help me in the beginning, I was less depressed, didn't cut myself up anymore when I felt pressure and I didn't think things thru so much.
On the other hand it made me reeeeeeeeeeeal lame, sleepy, droopy, non-energetic, withdrawn, and non-sexual. It was the strangest fase in my life. I could feel the change the drugs made, I could feel myself transform into something I wasn't not. I lost my lust for life, my personality, my vivrantness. I lost interest in eating, hobbies, sex (hahaha) and developing myself. I had a hard time picking myself up whén I was down, if I ever was down again. Cuz I actually didn't feel all that much anymore. I was flatlining emotionally and wasn't able to turn it around.
But I dealt with it, cuz it was part of the program. Part of the healingplan, it was one of those things I had to do to get any better and move on with my life.
Just a week ago I stopped taking Prozac after my dosis was cut back and I'm loving it. I feel alive again!! No more sleepless nights, no more flatness in my feelings, no more disinterest in life. It's the return of the MACK! I have learned to no longer cross my lines and now I can do without the drugs to control my life again. It feels so good. So damn good, I can't begin to write it down. It gives me a sense of pride, feeling strong again. One can only hope that others might experience this sensation as well. Can take controle back and feel good again. Cuz feeling good really feels good!! And who knows, I might even wanna have sex again hahahaha...
woensdag 11 november 2009
donderdag 29 oktober 2009
Doing what you love.
I've found out that even tho this B'line bullshit smacks you upside the head with sum serious 'down and out' periods, it's important to hang on to the things you love. Even tho your head is filled with dark thoughts and clouds seem to be covering your eyes and your soul. It's still good for yaself to keep doing at least óne thing you love to do. One thing that makes you feel good, pretty, healthy, sexy, valid, whateva.I have neglected to do the things I really love in my times of darkness and it has only made my dark days darker.
Yesterday my cousin came and picked me up to hit the gym. I haven't been there for a while but it really did me good. Early in the morning is best for me since it's empty and I don't have the feeling that everybody who looks at me can see that I have BPD. Cuz sumtimes it does feel like that, that all eyes can see.
But my cousin had my back as always and after one hour we were so much in the zone we totally forgot about time. You need things and peeps like that. The ones who can pick you up and get you out of your house. The ones who can convince you to keep doing those things that make you feel good. Who support you and tell you you still good at it even if you suck ;-) It made me feel so good I am actually thinking of picking up dancing again. At least it got me writing again. Not just in my secret diary but for the rest of the world to see as well.
I do realise this struggle with BPD isn't over yet and I might never recover from it. But the help and love of my fam and friends is making me stronger and gets me through those 'mental tsunamies' over and over again. As long as you feel and know peeps got your back you can do anything in life, ANYTHING!!
I'll make it, it might take sum time but I can make it out of this.
Yesterday my cousin came and picked me up to hit the gym. I haven't been there for a while but it really did me good. Early in the morning is best for me since it's empty and I don't have the feeling that everybody who looks at me can see that I have BPD. Cuz sumtimes it does feel like that, that all eyes can see.
But my cousin had my back as always and after one hour we were so much in the zone we totally forgot about time. You need things and peeps like that. The ones who can pick you up and get you out of your house. The ones who can convince you to keep doing those things that make you feel good. Who support you and tell you you still good at it even if you suck ;-) It made me feel so good I am actually thinking of picking up dancing again. At least it got me writing again. Not just in my secret diary but for the rest of the world to see as well.
I do realise this struggle with BPD isn't over yet and I might never recover from it. But the help and love of my fam and friends is making me stronger and gets me through those 'mental tsunamies' over and over again. As long as you feel and know peeps got your back you can do anything in life, ANYTHING!!
I'll make it, it might take sum time but I can make it out of this.
woensdag 28 oktober 2009
Ik wil weer werken.
Ik wil weer verder gaan met mijn leven. Zit nu al 2 jaar en 1 maand thuis en ben t alweer goed zat met al die beperkingen die het met zich meebrengt. Miss een paar dagen per week receptie bij de sportschool doen ofzo, of receptie bij t zwembad verderop... IETS!! Of op een evenementenbureau werken. Lijkt me leuker maja... Er zit een gigantisch gat in mijn CV op dit moment en om weer als tiepmiep/officemanager aan de slag te gaan zie ik niet helemaal zo erg zitten. Of t moet bij een klein, creatief bedrijf zijn. Met die multinationals heb ik t nu wel n beetje gehad. Graag zie ik resultaat van mijn geleverde werk, wil niet langer een nummertje of radartje in t grote geheel zijn. Don't get me wrong, ik heb veel geleerd bij Newsweek International, Philips, Nike, UPC, KPMG, Ubachs & Wisbrun etc etc maar ik ga toch liever voor n kleiner bedrijf.
Naja eerst maar douchen want na maanden slacken vandaag hard gebeuld in de gym. Van mij mag dat ding wel om 7 uur open gaan voortaan. Heb gemerkt hoe ik het gemist heb, lekker beulen en in de ijzers hangen. Gelukkig kwam mijn neef me halen dat scheelt wel om samen te trainen, lekker, fijn, fit gevoel en liefde... Heel veel liefde voor mijn neven!
Naja eerst maar douchen want na maanden slacken vandaag hard gebeuld in de gym. Van mij mag dat ding wel om 7 uur open gaan voortaan. Heb gemerkt hoe ik het gemist heb, lekker beulen en in de ijzers hangen. Gelukkig kwam mijn neef me halen dat scheelt wel om samen te trainen, lekker, fijn, fit gevoel en liefde... Heel veel liefde voor mijn neven!
dinsdag 4 augustus 2009
Caraibisch blockparty in AmsterdamOud-West
UITNODIGING
Caribisch buurtfeest Amsterdam Oud-West
In en rond Restaurant Planet Rose
Nicolaas Beetsstraat 47 – Amsterdam – Tel: 020- 6129838
www.planetrose.info
Buurtbewoners, ondernemers en bezoekers van het Jamaicaanse restaurant Planet Rose (met een 9+ van Johannes van Dam) organiseren samen met Rozelle Uter (kokkin en eigenaresse Planet Rose) tegen de achtergrond van de Jamaicaanse onafhankelijkheid van 3 tot en met 8 augustus as. het multiculturele buurtfeest ‘Culturen proeven in Oud-West’. De activiteiten zijn speciaal georganiseerd voor jong en oud uit stadsdeel Oud-West en hebben tot doel bovengenoemde groepen en andere geïnteresseerden kennis te laten maken met elkaar en de Caribische/ Jamaicaanse cultuur. Jamaica werd op 6 augustus 1962 onafhankelijk van Engeland.
Programma
3 augustus
19.00 uur Sfeervolle Caribische Kookdemonstratie met hapjes en advies deskundige om eventueel zelf horecabedrijf op te zetten.
Gratis toegang
Er hoeft alleen betaald te worden voor drankjes. (Vol is vol!)
6 augustus
19.00 uur Caribische filmavond met heerlijk Jamaicaans/West-Indisch eten
Toegang: € 25, - (Vol is vol!)
8 augustus
1300 – 15.00 uur Anansi Kinderfestijn voor kinderen van 4 tot en met 6 jaar (met haren vlechten, schminken, voorlezen, speurtocht….)
14.00 -16.00 uur Anansi Kinderfestijn voor kinderen van 7 t/m 11 jaar (met film, spannende speurtocht….)
18.00 -20.00 uur Caribische barbecue
vanaf 21.30 uur Onafhankelijkheids Reggeaparty met authentieke Jamaicaanse muziek
(optreden van internationaal percussionist Tony Uter
Gratis toegang
Aantal Caribische snacks vrij verkrijgbaar, voor andere maaltijden en drankjes worden redelijke prijzen gevraagd)
Meer info Anansifestijn: www.hetallerleukstefeest.nl/nieuws.html (schrijf je in voor dit unieke kinderfeest)
Voor alle onderdelen geldt dat u zich kunt aanmelden. U kunt dit doen door een e-mail te sturen naar mail@planetrose.info. Vermeld uw naam en telefoonnummer en het onderdeel dat u wilt bijwonen. Voor de Caribische filmavond met eten dient u een toegangskaart te kopen of te reserveren.
Het buurtfeest is (financieel) mogelijk gemaakt door Stadsdeel Oud-West, Stichting Dock, Planet Rose en Het Allerleukste Feest
Reserveren voor de kookdemonstratie en de filmavond wordt zeker aangeraden.
Een ieder is van harte welkom!
Hopelijk tot dan!
Mx & Helen.
Caribisch buurtfeest Amsterdam Oud-West
In en rond Restaurant Planet Rose
Nicolaas Beetsstraat 47 – Amsterdam – Tel: 020- 6129838
www.planetrose.info
Buurtbewoners, ondernemers en bezoekers van het Jamaicaanse restaurant Planet Rose (met een 9+ van Johannes van Dam) organiseren samen met Rozelle Uter (kokkin en eigenaresse Planet Rose) tegen de achtergrond van de Jamaicaanse onafhankelijkheid van 3 tot en met 8 augustus as. het multiculturele buurtfeest ‘Culturen proeven in Oud-West’. De activiteiten zijn speciaal georganiseerd voor jong en oud uit stadsdeel Oud-West en hebben tot doel bovengenoemde groepen en andere geïnteresseerden kennis te laten maken met elkaar en de Caribische/ Jamaicaanse cultuur. Jamaica werd op 6 augustus 1962 onafhankelijk van Engeland.
Programma
3 augustus
19.00 uur Sfeervolle Caribische Kookdemonstratie met hapjes en advies deskundige om eventueel zelf horecabedrijf op te zetten.
Gratis toegang
Er hoeft alleen betaald te worden voor drankjes. (Vol is vol!)
6 augustus
19.00 uur Caribische filmavond met heerlijk Jamaicaans/West-Indisch eten
Toegang: € 25, - (Vol is vol!)
8 augustus
1300 – 15.00 uur Anansi Kinderfestijn voor kinderen van 4 tot en met 6 jaar (met haren vlechten, schminken, voorlezen, speurtocht….)
14.00 -16.00 uur Anansi Kinderfestijn voor kinderen van 7 t/m 11 jaar (met film, spannende speurtocht….)
18.00 -20.00 uur Caribische barbecue
vanaf 21.30 uur Onafhankelijkheids Reggeaparty met authentieke Jamaicaanse muziek
(optreden van internationaal percussionist Tony Uter
Gratis toegang
Aantal Caribische snacks vrij verkrijgbaar, voor andere maaltijden en drankjes worden redelijke prijzen gevraagd)
Meer info Anansifestijn: www.hetallerleukstefeest.nl/nieuws.html (schrijf je in voor dit unieke kinderfeest)
Voor alle onderdelen geldt dat u zich kunt aanmelden. U kunt dit doen door een e-mail te sturen naar mail@planetrose.info. Vermeld uw naam en telefoonnummer en het onderdeel dat u wilt bijwonen. Voor de Caribische filmavond met eten dient u een toegangskaart te kopen of te reserveren.
Het buurtfeest is (financieel) mogelijk gemaakt door Stadsdeel Oud-West, Stichting Dock, Planet Rose en Het Allerleukste Feest
Reserveren voor de kookdemonstratie en de filmavond wordt zeker aangeraden.
Een ieder is van harte welkom!
Hopelijk tot dan!
Mx & Helen.
zaterdag 1 augustus 2009
Triggers
Sometimes you can see a trigger miles away, sometimes you know certain things are triggers but you just can't stay away. And sometimes you are just doing your thang, getting caught up in the moment and are overflowing with so much energy that the trigger can trick you. You don't see it coming but once you've settled down, had sum sleep or can finally put your feet up again it's like WHAM!! The mothafucka hits you in da face. Fucks with ya head and emotions are overflowing. You start crying as you watch the news (??),cry in the shower and tremble like you've been struck by lightning. Your mind start racing again... Dark clouds are coming and they circle above your head before the enter your brain. It's like mist but a dark one, you feel like your in an episode of 'the twilight zone' or that you are a character in a stephen king novel.
You try to shake it off, clear your head by going for a walk but you can't seem to shake it. You enter the Etos and all you can think about is hurt/pain/blood/emotions and what ifs. You walk towards the shaving section and instead of shavingcream or shavingoil you look at the blades and wonder how sharp they are. You wonder if you have to cut just once to bleed or maybe several times. You know you hate cutting several times cuz of the scars so one cut is always better.
Just one cut to unleash the dragon.
Just one cut to open up.
Just one cut to know that you are alive.
Just one cut to know that you are human and have feelings and are not a robot.
Just one cut to make you feel better.
But it's never one cut and you know it. And you will regret the scars later on.
YOu try to call your mum but she doesn't answer her phone. You remember she is away for a 3 day congres of Jehova's Whitnesses. You try to breath, pay for your stuff and walk out of the store only to find out outside that you didn't buy the blades. You text your best friends and your cousin... They try to sooth you, it doesn't work that well but it helps a bit. You look into your bag again and see that you bought sum bandaids, just in case. You feel like a failure, you cry, you wanna go back and get the blades 2 but the dog is pulling and wants to go for a run.
Fighting back the tears, salted by the wounds on my soul. I tell myself I can make it home and I did. But the walk home hasn't been that long in months!! Seeking for alternatives I start blowing bubbles and writing. Typing on my keyboard like a maniak but it does seem to calm me down. It witholds me from hanging out of the window and screaming my head off! It keeps me from being stupid and doing stupid things. Why do I feel like this again? I had so much superfuntime with my girl. I spent the night with my best friend, we are friends for 20 years now, and still this 'episode' hits me. What's wrong with me? Well, I know what's wrong with me, I've got BPD. But does the BPD got me?
No, I don't want it to.
No more controlling my life.
No more crazy outbursts.
No more blackouts.
No more hurting people.
No more hurting myself.
No more
No more
No more.
I'm gonna fight this thing even if it's the last thing I'll ever do.
I just wish people would try to understand us better, and give us a change to make up for the wrongs we have done. Cuz we can't always control it. But we can try, we sure as hell can try...
I just want it.. no more...
You try to shake it off, clear your head by going for a walk but you can't seem to shake it. You enter the Etos and all you can think about is hurt/pain/blood/emotions and what ifs. You walk towards the shaving section and instead of shavingcream or shavingoil you look at the blades and wonder how sharp they are. You wonder if you have to cut just once to bleed or maybe several times. You know you hate cutting several times cuz of the scars so one cut is always better.
Just one cut to unleash the dragon.
Just one cut to open up.
Just one cut to know that you are alive.
Just one cut to know that you are human and have feelings and are not a robot.
Just one cut to make you feel better.
But it's never one cut and you know it. And you will regret the scars later on.
YOu try to call your mum but she doesn't answer her phone. You remember she is away for a 3 day congres of Jehova's Whitnesses. You try to breath, pay for your stuff and walk out of the store only to find out outside that you didn't buy the blades. You text your best friends and your cousin... They try to sooth you, it doesn't work that well but it helps a bit. You look into your bag again and see that you bought sum bandaids, just in case. You feel like a failure, you cry, you wanna go back and get the blades 2 but the dog is pulling and wants to go for a run.
Fighting back the tears, salted by the wounds on my soul. I tell myself I can make it home and I did. But the walk home hasn't been that long in months!! Seeking for alternatives I start blowing bubbles and writing. Typing on my keyboard like a maniak but it does seem to calm me down. It witholds me from hanging out of the window and screaming my head off! It keeps me from being stupid and doing stupid things. Why do I feel like this again? I had so much superfuntime with my girl. I spent the night with my best friend, we are friends for 20 years now, and still this 'episode' hits me. What's wrong with me? Well, I know what's wrong with me, I've got BPD. But does the BPD got me?
No, I don't want it to.
No more controlling my life.
No more crazy outbursts.
No more blackouts.
No more hurting people.
No more hurting myself.
No more
No more
No more.
I'm gonna fight this thing even if it's the last thing I'll ever do.
I just wish people would try to understand us better, and give us a change to make up for the wrongs we have done. Cuz we can't always control it. But we can try, we sure as hell can try...
I just want it.. no more...
Raw Rythem Festival
Raw Rythem Festivalvandaag, 10:44
Ik kan er heel veel over zeggen wat er allemaal niet klopte en waarom, maar eigenlijk wil ik niet meer kwijt dan dat als je na 7 jaar de opvolger van Drum Rythem weer opzet je op zijn minst moet regelen dat ál je coördinatoren ervaring hebben met hun afdeling en genoeg betaald krijgen om hun best te doen. En niet pas 2 weken van tevoren mensen gaan ronselen als 'vrijwilliger' om te coördineren die nog minder weten ervan dan de 'vrijwilligsters' die kassa zitten zelf. Sjeez louise!! Khad écht een Melkweg flashback toen die dame in kwestie bij élke vraag van ons 't even moest gaan vragen aan de manager' en daardoor een half uur tot n uur wegbleef.
m.a.w. Mxxie gaat vandaag helemaal niet meer daar werken aangezien ik gisteren van 5 tot half 5 noeste arbeid heb verricht wat niét de bedoeling was! Ik heb zwart licht/fakkelbrigade/lady saw en wel meer gemist daardoor. En ga écht niet meer voor nix werken. Fuck that!! Hopelijk kan ik vandaag n paar leuke shows meepakken...
Oh en natuurlijk heb ik zelf geen muntje voor de wc's daar strax hahaha. Shit!!
Maja, Ryan Leslie was niet slecht en Legalize It waren erg gezellig aan t draaien nog. Lamb vonnik om te janken maaaaaaaaaaayne. Ik werd echt droevig van hun deuntjes, serieus! Wix draaide ook wel leuk. Dit alles hebben we meegekregen omdat we pal achter een ingang daar zaten (en wegtrilden ook maar dat terzijde). En ik heb me de tering gelachen in dat hokje met me beste vriendinnetje. Hoe later t werd hoe belachelijker mensen gingen doen en hoe meer ze wilden sjoemelen om muntjes. Schitterend gewoon. We konden meteen ons 20 jaar samenzijn vieren 's nachts dus dat was wel leuk. Het was duidelijk dat we goed op elkaar ingezpeeld zijn door de jaren heen want we gaven antwoord voor elkaar, of tegelijkertijd alsof we tweelingen zijn (zijn we ook maar dan van sterrebeeld)
In t andere 'hokje der ongein' zaten de supersisters en ook die hadden meer pret dan je zou denken. Great minds think alike I guess. Tis dat Sil en Nance te ver van ons afzaten anders hadden we ze vast kunnen horen schaterlachen hahaha
Oh well, we had fun and that counts for sumtin' as well right? Vandaag maar lekker slenteren en boys pesten... Hoera!
Afz:
De SuperKassaDames (van ons alle vier dus)
Ik kan er heel veel over zeggen wat er allemaal niet klopte en waarom, maar eigenlijk wil ik niet meer kwijt dan dat als je na 7 jaar de opvolger van Drum Rythem weer opzet je op zijn minst moet regelen dat ál je coördinatoren ervaring hebben met hun afdeling en genoeg betaald krijgen om hun best te doen. En niet pas 2 weken van tevoren mensen gaan ronselen als 'vrijwilliger' om te coördineren die nog minder weten ervan dan de 'vrijwilligsters' die kassa zitten zelf. Sjeez louise!! Khad écht een Melkweg flashback toen die dame in kwestie bij élke vraag van ons 't even moest gaan vragen aan de manager' en daardoor een half uur tot n uur wegbleef.
m.a.w. Mxxie gaat vandaag helemaal niet meer daar werken aangezien ik gisteren van 5 tot half 5 noeste arbeid heb verricht wat niét de bedoeling was! Ik heb zwart licht/fakkelbrigade/lady saw en wel meer gemist daardoor. En ga écht niet meer voor nix werken. Fuck that!! Hopelijk kan ik vandaag n paar leuke shows meepakken...
Oh en natuurlijk heb ik zelf geen muntje voor de wc's daar strax hahaha. Shit!!
Maja, Ryan Leslie was niet slecht en Legalize It waren erg gezellig aan t draaien nog. Lamb vonnik om te janken maaaaaaaaaaayne. Ik werd echt droevig van hun deuntjes, serieus! Wix draaide ook wel leuk. Dit alles hebben we meegekregen omdat we pal achter een ingang daar zaten (en wegtrilden ook maar dat terzijde). En ik heb me de tering gelachen in dat hokje met me beste vriendinnetje. Hoe later t werd hoe belachelijker mensen gingen doen en hoe meer ze wilden sjoemelen om muntjes. Schitterend gewoon. We konden meteen ons 20 jaar samenzijn vieren 's nachts dus dat was wel leuk. Het was duidelijk dat we goed op elkaar ingezpeeld zijn door de jaren heen want we gaven antwoord voor elkaar, of tegelijkertijd alsof we tweelingen zijn (zijn we ook maar dan van sterrebeeld)
In t andere 'hokje der ongein' zaten de supersisters en ook die hadden meer pret dan je zou denken. Great minds think alike I guess. Tis dat Sil en Nance te ver van ons afzaten anders hadden we ze vast kunnen horen schaterlachen hahaha
Oh well, we had fun and that counts for sumtin' as well right? Vandaag maar lekker slenteren en boys pesten... Hoera!
Afz:
De SuperKassaDames (van ons alle vier dus)
vrijdag 10 juli 2009
I'm good without you
Last night he made it so clear. He's just not that into me, he is just trying to play me. But I don't get played babyboy, I don't, I won't. This ain't over yet, the tables just got turned. Hold on to your seatbelt baby cuz you is in for a ride!! I know, at the moment I'm frustrated and would really like to tear his ass apart (and not in a sexual way) but I've learned to keep my cool. E'rybody gets played once in their life and I guess my number was up! It took me about 4 years to open up again and allow myself to fall in love. He just crushed all of that in about 20 minutes hahaha. Now that's a record. But I've decided instead of being bitter about it (and mess up my great complexion), I'm gonna turn the energy of pain into energy of strenght. Actually I just wanted to get even with his mofoking ass last night but after a good night sleep I'm just gonna turn dem tables like a turntablist and play his ass for a while. He might not see it coming but I will hit him like a ton of bricks *GnaGnaGna*
Nah, I won't and I know that. But I will make him suffer and regret he ever tried to play me. Cuz Mxstr doesn't get played, she plays, she is DA MASTER!! But on the other hand, I just might give him a second change cuz he does make me feel really good about myself when I'm with him. So I just might enjoy it for the time being and just throw away the key to my heart again.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=76AE1EXhozY
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w19e7xc79Sw
Nah, I won't and I know that. But I will make him suffer and regret he ever tried to play me. Cuz Mxstr doesn't get played, she plays, she is DA MASTER!! But on the other hand, I just might give him a second change cuz he does make me feel really good about myself when I'm with him. So I just might enjoy it for the time being and just throw away the key to my heart again.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=76AE1EXhozY
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w19e7xc79Sw
woensdag 8 juli 2009
I know it might not last
Cuz it all happened so fast but I cherrish every second from the moment we met.
U make me feel safe, happy, witty and normal. U don't judge me and tell me I have sexy body. U love kissing me and hugging me or holding my hand in public. U defend me and stand by me. U pick me up when I need it and you also respect me. U have your soft side but know how to talk that dirty talk when needed ;-)
U got your priorities straight, kids first, the rest later and I respect that. U work hard to provide for them but yet ýou don't spoil them. I spellbounded me but in a good way.
U opened up my heart again and now I can love and show it 2. This thing between you and me might not last but for now it will do. It goes very well with the new me and feels like an adventure... I haven't forgotten about the other guy but for now, you are the object of my affection.
Thanx B for walking into my life...
U make me feel safe, happy, witty and normal. U don't judge me and tell me I have sexy body. U love kissing me and hugging me or holding my hand in public. U defend me and stand by me. U pick me up when I need it and you also respect me. U have your soft side but know how to talk that dirty talk when needed ;-)
U got your priorities straight, kids first, the rest later and I respect that. U work hard to provide for them but yet ýou don't spoil them. I spellbounded me but in a good way.
U opened up my heart again and now I can love and show it 2. This thing between you and me might not last but for now it will do. It goes very well with the new me and feels like an adventure... I haven't forgotten about the other guy but for now, you are the object of my affection.
Thanx B for walking into my life...
zondag 28 juni 2009
Keep it In The Closet?
While I was listening to this MJ track and feeling this intense sadness over his dead I suddenly realised 'Love'... Love I have for a certain person, love that is stronger, more serious and deeper than I thought. Love that needed to be admitted but how? I dunno. It scares me, don't really like being so vulnarable ya know.
'There is something about you baby, that makes me want... To Keep it in the closet'
Maybe I should make a list and write down the pros and the cons. I can think of about a hundred cons right now but there is just one pro about him that could sweep away all those cons. Friends have been asking me for a while if I'm 'in love' with him and I can honestly say that I'm not, neva was either. I don't fall in love so easily. The last guy that stole my heart, swept me off my feet and made me giggle like a schoolgirl was J. And that was in January 2005 when I met him in the Bitterzoet. Go figure!!
But this guy, there is something about him that makes me feel save, secure, like a little girl and a educated woman, a sexy lady and a friend all in one. Wonder how he does that hahaha. Or is it just cuz I'm weak at this moment in life? I'm working on it, the weakness. I have my grouptherapy every week 2,5 hours and I see my shrink every 2 weeks for an hour. I know I'm getting better, I'm doing better. I can take on life just a little bit more so why all of the sudden this feeling? I don't get it. I'm used to being alone, working alone, dancing alone, eating alone, hell I was born alone. Maybe I am getting older and maybe I just don't want to carry the weight anymore. It's all so confusing now. I don't think it's fair for me to have a relationship now because of my Borderline. I don't wanna freak out on him every now and then. He deserves better than that. Cuz I realise I'm not easy with this deseazy!! ;-)
There's just one thing I know for sure, I won't tell him. We've been friends for years now and I cherish that. I'll just cherish this feeling for now. The warmth I feel when I see him, the smile he puts on my face when we text eachother. The drinks we have every now and then. I don't need to ruin this for the both of us. 'I hate to see him leave but love to see him walk away'... Let's just keep it at that. ;-)
For all you B'liners out there. It will get better once you've reached out for help. Trust me.
'There is something about you baby, that makes me want... To Keep it in the closet'
Maybe I should make a list and write down the pros and the cons. I can think of about a hundred cons right now but there is just one pro about him that could sweep away all those cons. Friends have been asking me for a while if I'm 'in love' with him and I can honestly say that I'm not, neva was either. I don't fall in love so easily. The last guy that stole my heart, swept me off my feet and made me giggle like a schoolgirl was J. And that was in January 2005 when I met him in the Bitterzoet. Go figure!!
But this guy, there is something about him that makes me feel save, secure, like a little girl and a educated woman, a sexy lady and a friend all in one. Wonder how he does that hahaha. Or is it just cuz I'm weak at this moment in life? I'm working on it, the weakness. I have my grouptherapy every week 2,5 hours and I see my shrink every 2 weeks for an hour. I know I'm getting better, I'm doing better. I can take on life just a little bit more so why all of the sudden this feeling? I don't get it. I'm used to being alone, working alone, dancing alone, eating alone, hell I was born alone. Maybe I am getting older and maybe I just don't want to carry the weight anymore. It's all so confusing now. I don't think it's fair for me to have a relationship now because of my Borderline. I don't wanna freak out on him every now and then. He deserves better than that. Cuz I realise I'm not easy with this deseazy!! ;-)
There's just one thing I know for sure, I won't tell him. We've been friends for years now and I cherish that. I'll just cherish this feeling for now. The warmth I feel when I see him, the smile he puts on my face when we text eachother. The drinks we have every now and then. I don't need to ruin this for the both of us. 'I hate to see him leave but love to see him walk away'... Let's just keep it at that. ;-)
For all you B'liners out there. It will get better once you've reached out for help. Trust me.
woensdag 24 juni 2009
I don't wanna let it get me down.
Another day, another struggle. Since I've been diagnosed with the BPD I haven't been working. I finally found a good place in myself so I won't get offended anymore when peeps ask me why I don't work. I am no longer ashamed to tell peeps why I can't join them for a holiday, party or even going out to dinner. I am blessed to have been raised by a mother and grandmother who both have known what it was like to be poor. Hell, they weren't even poor, they were po... Couldn't even afford the OR hahaha.
They both tought me how to make a meal with just an union, egg, and sum rice. I can make food from nothing and peeps wouldn't even notice it. They educated me in how to care for myself, mend my clothes and save money in the little things. How to grow my own herbs and veggies, fix my own bike and drill my own holes.
So when the UWV is bugging me again by cutting of my money it hurts, it really hurts. Cause I've been working since I was 17 and always paid my own way and now that I need the goverments help the let me down, over and over again.
It's easy for me to throw a fit, go into that dark place inside of me again and start punishing myself for things I don't control or understand. But I don't want to go there anymore. I don't want anymore scars. I've been hurt enough, I don't wanna let it get me down and if that means I have to eat less and write more to hold on to that peacefull innerplace than by God I will.
I wanna move on with this journey called life. It's a gift I know, and I also know mine was damaged during shipment but hey, there are ways to fix things and I'm working on it.
I don't wanna let it get me down.
They both tought me how to make a meal with just an union, egg, and sum rice. I can make food from nothing and peeps wouldn't even notice it. They educated me in how to care for myself, mend my clothes and save money in the little things. How to grow my own herbs and veggies, fix my own bike and drill my own holes.
So when the UWV is bugging me again by cutting of my money it hurts, it really hurts. Cause I've been working since I was 17 and always paid my own way and now that I need the goverments help the let me down, over and over again.
It's easy for me to throw a fit, go into that dark place inside of me again and start punishing myself for things I don't control or understand. But I don't want to go there anymore. I don't want anymore scars. I've been hurt enough, I don't wanna let it get me down and if that means I have to eat less and write more to hold on to that peacefull innerplace than by God I will.
I wanna move on with this journey called life. It's a gift I know, and I also know mine was damaged during shipment but hey, there are ways to fix things and I'm working on it.
I don't wanna let it get me down.
donderdag 18 juni 2009
You cry, I cry.
One of the sings of B'line is that the person can be oversensitive. So am I. Just 10 minutes ago I was on my way to the Albert Heijn and I passed a young man, sitting on the street, barefoot with a bagpack and 2 dogs. He had a fluit in his hands and he was crying. Crying silently, wiping his face with his sleeve and not able to play his fluit anymore cuz he was so upset. As I passed him I could feel his pain. He was hurting só bad, it felt like he was dissapointed in life, in himself and that all he wanted was a place to sleep, to rest and to shower.
I moved on with a throbbing heart and as I got out of the supermarket he was still sitting there and crying. Eyes glazing and his chest pounding. I couldn't pass on without addressing him and I asked him if he was okay. More tears came so I asked him how and if I could help him. I was searching my pockets for sum change (although I only had 5 euro's left till next week) and just as I found him 1 euro a lady passed by, opened her wallet and gave him 10 euro's!! I looked up and sighed: finally some one else who cared. But he kept on crying and the lady and I tried to ask him what was wrong but he didn't understand us. Neither English or Dutch! And most def not Turkish, believe me I tried.
I kneeled down next to him and put my hand on his shoulder, offering him my beer but he refused. I really wanted to give him te biggest hug he ever had. Hell! I wanted to take him home and let him stay at my place, shower, feed him and what not. No soul deserves to life like this. As I tried asking him again if he wanted to come with me for food and a shower he said 'Thank you no' and more tears came. That's when me and the lady broke. We both started tearing up as well and as she walked away I was almost ready to sit down beside the crying guy and hug him. But then I realised I had to get home, iron my dresses and get ready for my kid brothers wedding tomorrow. But if I could, I would have taken this wounded soul home and fed him and washed him and given him sum rest and peace. Even if it's only for a couple of hours.
I cried because he cried...
I moved on with a throbbing heart and as I got out of the supermarket he was still sitting there and crying. Eyes glazing and his chest pounding. I couldn't pass on without addressing him and I asked him if he was okay. More tears came so I asked him how and if I could help him. I was searching my pockets for sum change (although I only had 5 euro's left till next week) and just as I found him 1 euro a lady passed by, opened her wallet and gave him 10 euro's!! I looked up and sighed: finally some one else who cared. But he kept on crying and the lady and I tried to ask him what was wrong but he didn't understand us. Neither English or Dutch! And most def not Turkish, believe me I tried.
I kneeled down next to him and put my hand on his shoulder, offering him my beer but he refused. I really wanted to give him te biggest hug he ever had. Hell! I wanted to take him home and let him stay at my place, shower, feed him and what not. No soul deserves to life like this. As I tried asking him again if he wanted to come with me for food and a shower he said 'Thank you no' and more tears came. That's when me and the lady broke. We both started tearing up as well and as she walked away I was almost ready to sit down beside the crying guy and hug him. But then I realised I had to get home, iron my dresses and get ready for my kid brothers wedding tomorrow. But if I could, I would have taken this wounded soul home and fed him and washed him and given him sum rest and peace. Even if it's only for a couple of hours.
I cried because he cried...
woensdag 17 juni 2009
Long sleeves
My baby brother his weddingday is coming up. This Friday my kidbrother will say 'I do' to the girl he has been with for over a year and I am really excited. Most peeps will say he is 2 young but he turned 21 and he is a Jehova's Whitness so I don't see any problem there.
And alltho I'm very excited that my little boy is getting married, the boy who's diapers I'd used to change, the boy who's nose I'd used to whipe, there is one thing really bothering me...
I need to wear something with long sleeves to the wedding. Not cuz I really want to but cuz I really have to. It's his day and I don't want peeps to come up to me and ask me about my scars. I know those scars belong to me, with me but on that day it will make it all so hard to explain. People will never understand why you have them, how you got them or why you would do that to yourself. They look at you like you are a freak, call you pscycho or will just plain ignore you when they see the scars. Very few will bother to ask you why, how, when, or can I help. And that is such a sad thing. Even counsolers don't understand why you do it and since it's mostly done by women they see it as sumthing to be ignored or punished. Which is nót the right way to go about it.
Momentarely the Haarlem Pscychiatric Museum has an expo about it and I really want to go and see it. It has been something that has been denied in the mental illness department for so long but it is real, it is there and it hurts.
Women have always been tought througout centuries to deal with their feelings or hurt or issues on the inside, while men have been tought to let it all out by fighting (violence). That's why most of us women turn to hurting ourselfs or not taking good care of ourself. Always putting our loved ones first.
As a result to that I am scared on the inside and out and that makes me have to wear long sleeves on my baby brothers wedding. The day that is his to shine. I might have to wear those sleeves for years to come but at least I'm working on it, till that day comes that I can wear short sleeves again.
Love.
Mx
And alltho I'm very excited that my little boy is getting married, the boy who's diapers I'd used to change, the boy who's nose I'd used to whipe, there is one thing really bothering me...
I need to wear something with long sleeves to the wedding. Not cuz I really want to but cuz I really have to. It's his day and I don't want peeps to come up to me and ask me about my scars. I know those scars belong to me, with me but on that day it will make it all so hard to explain. People will never understand why you have them, how you got them or why you would do that to yourself. They look at you like you are a freak, call you pscycho or will just plain ignore you when they see the scars. Very few will bother to ask you why, how, when, or can I help. And that is such a sad thing. Even counsolers don't understand why you do it and since it's mostly done by women they see it as sumthing to be ignored or punished. Which is nót the right way to go about it.
Momentarely the Haarlem Pscychiatric Museum has an expo about it and I really want to go and see it. It has been something that has been denied in the mental illness department for so long but it is real, it is there and it hurts.
Women have always been tought througout centuries to deal with their feelings or hurt or issues on the inside, while men have been tought to let it all out by fighting (violence). That's why most of us women turn to hurting ourselfs or not taking good care of ourself. Always putting our loved ones first.
As a result to that I am scared on the inside and out and that makes me have to wear long sleeves on my baby brothers wedding. The day that is his to shine. I might have to wear those sleeves for years to come but at least I'm working on it, till that day comes that I can wear short sleeves again.
Love.
Mx
dinsdag 16 juni 2009
What it feels like to have BPD
To have BPD is most of the time way 2 hard for others to understand. Since I'm going through a fase of learning how to control it right now, emotions do overflow. Sadness, happiness, mask on, mask off, darkness, light, emptyness, fullness, binge eating or not eating at all, shouting out my lungs or remain silent for days, it's all there. All these feelings may come all at once or they change every few minutes but they can also stay away for days, not feeling anything at all which is scary 2. It's like being on a (emotional)rollercoaster for days, months, years of your life instead of minutes. A lot of peeps ask me to explain it but I can't. It's so hard to try to explain cuz when I do I'm seemingly calm and that makes it that they don't believe me or think it's not as bad. Cuz one moment I can be laughing and seem to be happy and a second later I can be cryinig and sad. It's hard to explain that you wear a mask most of the time. Your life is being controlled by 'make believe', trying nót to let the world know how you really feel. Cuz you know they don't understand. Or you might loose friends when you tell them what you do when it's dark inside, when you need to release the pressure. I know sum people really want to know and understand but most of them just tell you to stop acting up, stop drawing attention to yourself and just get on with your life. I wish it was so. I wish it was so easy!! It's not like going to the loo and flushing your shit away... If only I could... When you have to deal with BPD, it's like your life is a puzzle that contains over a 1000 pieces and you spend your entire life putting it together. It always feels like there a pieces missing and they change shape as well. They constantly trick you so the puzzle never really finishes. I can't really explain but for those who are willing to try and understand. It drives you crazy.. it leaves scares that never go away. On the inside and the outside. It isolates you and makes you loose lovedones cuz they don't understand or don't want to deal with you and your issues. It keeps you single cuz you don't want to burden anyone else with your drama despite the fact that you know it's so much harder to deal with on your own. Never knowing how I will feel the next minute, hurting the ones I love and feeling misunderstood. Wanting to love someone again but knowing you never can cuz of this. Wanting to have a family someday but being scared as hell of ever hurting your offspring. It's really hard to make others understand. But I'm gratefull for those in my life who at least try. Who want to know more about it and who value me as a person, and a friend despite my BPD. Maybe these footages will help. http://borderline.hebik.nl/ http://www.bpdworld.org/
This song by Linkin Park-Crawling has great lyrics to explain the feeling a bit. Unfortunately the video is no longer available to embedd due to copyright. Chorus: Crawling in my skin These wounds, they will not heal Fear is how I fall Confusing what is real There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface Consuming, confusing This lack of self control I fear is never ending Controlling, I can't seem To find myself again My walls are closing in (Without a sense of confidence I�m convinced that there�s just too much pressure to take) I've felt this way before So insecure Chorus Crawling in my skin These wounds, they will not heal Fear is how I fall Confusing what is real Discomfort, endlessly has pulled itself upon me Distracting, reacting Against my will I stand beside my own reflection It's haunting how I can't seem... To find myself again My walls are closing in (Without a sense of confidence I�m convinced that there�s just too much pressure to take) I've felt this way before So insecure Chorus (Repeat until end) Crawling in my skin These wounds, they will not heal Fear is how I fall Confusing what is real There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface Consuming, confusing This lack of self control I fear is never ending Controlling (Whispered during chorus)
This song by Linkin Park-Crawling has great lyrics to explain the feeling a bit. Unfortunately the video is no longer available to embedd due to copyright. Chorus: Crawling in my skin These wounds, they will not heal Fear is how I fall Confusing what is real There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface Consuming, confusing This lack of self control I fear is never ending Controlling, I can't seem To find myself again My walls are closing in (Without a sense of confidence I�m convinced that there�s just too much pressure to take) I've felt this way before So insecure Chorus Crawling in my skin These wounds, they will not heal Fear is how I fall Confusing what is real Discomfort, endlessly has pulled itself upon me Distracting, reacting Against my will I stand beside my own reflection It's haunting how I can't seem... To find myself again My walls are closing in (Without a sense of confidence I�m convinced that there�s just too much pressure to take) I've felt this way before So insecure Chorus (Repeat until end) Crawling in my skin These wounds, they will not heal Fear is how I fall Confusing what is real There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface Consuming, confusing This lack of self control I fear is never ending Controlling (Whispered during chorus)
The Lover in You and Me
Love hurts, it shouldn't have to but we all know it does sometimes. You fall in love with the wrong person. Not that he or she is bad but just not right for you. You see friends date, fall in love, get into a relationship, get engaged and married, get to live together and have babies. But you don't mind, you feel happy for them cuz you love them. What really hurts is when you see someone you love get hurt. By an unanswered love, by getting cheated on, getting played or just treated badly. Sum of them can't see it for themselves, sum just don't want to see it. But I can say from the bottom of my heart it hurts me to see my boys or girls hurt. I'm sensitive like that (allthough others might disagree) and I can feel their pain. It makes me wanna go to the person that is causin the hurt and talk to them, yell at them or slap them around a bit. But I know that's no good. Neva the less, I don't like it if my peeps hurt. I don't mind my own pain and misery but my peeps, I can't stand that yo. All I can do is try to be there for them. A Shoulder to cry on, a person to sit and sigh with, a person they can cuddle up to and keep that wine or vodka coming when the need it. Listen to them, maybe advise them and most of all just love them. That's all I can do. Love them and make sure they know they are worth loving. Cuz they great people, beautiful, caring, loving and strong. Otherwise they wouldn't hang out with me right Last summer I witnessed someone I had mad feelings for get riped apart by a girl. It made me cry at night and the next day I would be there to listen to him or talk with him on msn. Now he's happy again and he neva know how I feel about him but it's all good. We all got a purpose in life and mine is to make sure my friends stay sane, healthy and happy as long as I'm around. For my boys who are confused and hurting... you know who you are but remember I you and got your backs! That's for the lover in you and me... Mxxie
maandag 15 juni 2009
Het was n goede dag vandaag
Al een hele toer achter de rug gehad voor vandaag en dat allemaal voor 2 uur vandaag. Eerst wat financiën regelen en daarna met mamalief de Maandagmarkt opgegaan en n jurk gevonden voor de bruiloft vrijdag maar ik twijfel nog of ik die zal dragen. Ik denk dat ik toch maar ga voor n creatie van Poema Jones www.poemajones.com of n So-Sally outfit. Support my girls ya know. Mijn marktuurtjes met moeders zijn me dierbaar zeker nadat die chick in t ziekenhuis terechtkwam 1,5 week geleden. Ik ben me kapot geschrokken maar ze kan er nog om lachen. Ze is in ieder geval genoeg kilo's kwijt inmiddels voor mijn broertjes bruiloft vrijdag. Yeah! Wel raar om dr nu zo te zien, zo magertjes, zo fragiel en beetje bleekjes nog. Maar hey, I still got my moms around me and that is a good thing. Gotta be real, I hate her sikkelcel yo. Stupid illness that is wearing her out!
Verder net heerlijk geslapen met me harige ventje én blij verrast met 2 boeken. Thanx Gem en Kiko!! Me veeeeeery happy ;-) Die DETOX kuur werkt als n tierelier, zelfs mama zei dat ik was afgevallen. Nog even volhouden ma tis moeilijk als je Pakistaanse onderbuurman om 11 uur in de avond begint met koken en je roti en bara's ruikt. Shitzooi!! Grrr, ik verlang ernaar om te kauwen. Dat gedieet is niets voor mij man. Nu maar eerst Da Shizzmeister uitlaten en me groenten voor vandaag wegwerken. Dan kan een mens als ik weer normaal nadenken.
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